The way I feel about my father

My name is Ashley and I am 22 years old. I married the love of my life less than a year ago (October 2, 2009), but before I met him I fell away from God for awhile. I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing. Maybe I should take you back a bit further...........

You think of grandparents as people to visit and spoil you. I think of them as my Mom and my Dad, even though I call them Nanny and Pawpaw. They saved me from the world I was in. I won't go into details right now about it. Let's just say it wasn't the ideal place for a baby. So they started raising me at an early age. I permanately moved in with them when I was halfway through first grade. That was a major blessing.

I have two younger sisters one who was adopted out to her grandparents and then my other one my mom and her dad raised. We all have different fathers. They knew theirs. My middle sister grew up thinking her grandparents were her parents and that her dad was her brother but she still knew him. My youngest sister was raised by her mom and dad (not in the best situation) but she still knew her daddy. I had to go through life not even knowing the name of my father.

Now don't get me wrong, Pawpaw was a great dad to me, but I knew he was my grandfather, although he always treated me like his daughter. Even though I had him I didn't have the one who got my mom pregnant. Pawpaw was always at work so that Nanny and I would have a good life. My grandfather is an amazing man, but even that didn't keep my pillow from being soaked with my tears at night. I don't think anyone knows how truly horrible it made me feel.

I knew that Nanny and Pawpaw loved me but that didn't feel the void in my life that not knowing your father left. I would see kids in public with their dads and I just wanted to come back home. When I got home I went straight to my room to cry. That's why I spent most of my life in my room reading. I didn't want to be jealous of other children who knew their dads.
I would always ask who my dad was and somehow the subject was always avoided. No one wanted me to get hurt but what they failed to realize is that not knowing is just as bad a being rejected (which I would find out later).

By the time I was 12 years old I was finally able to convince my mom to tell me who my dad was. I found out his name is Michael Helms. Well I found out his address and decided to write him a letter and send him some pictures of me and my number. I gave it to Nanny to mail off and I was looking through the house a few weeks later and found out that my mom hid it and said it was for my own good. Well I am a very stubborn individual. I insisted that it be mailed.
Now was the hard part. THE WAIT. Well he called me and we decided that we would meet. Nanny and Pawpaw were out of town that week. But they agreed to let him come over while my mom was here. So he, my step mom, and stepbrother came over about a week later. He brought me a little thing of flowers and some pictures of them. We talked for awhile but then my younger cousin and my sister started acting up. I was so embarrassed. This was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. Despite all of that my life seemed to have turned around for the better. I was happy when I went to sleep at night and could actually handle watching kids with their dads, because now I had a dad to take me fishing and camping.

We hung out for a year or two and then he stopped having any kind of relationship with me. I was back to being devastated. I would cry every night. I called and called. I thought I was a bad person and did something to push him away. That was the first time I truly felt rejected.
Michael acted like he wanted something to do with me again. Nanny and Pawpaw were skeptical because despite me trying to hide it, they could see that I was hurting. He did great for awhile. Until he got caught stealing meds from an apartment that he worked at and had to go to rehab, where he met my step mom that I have today.

I lost touch with him again, but I never stopped trying. I finally got in touch with him again and thought he would change. I found out the person he was engaged to (Amy) had four boys, which I didn't have a problem with because I always wanted little brothers. Well we hung out for about a year off and on (me always calling) and then I lost contact with him again.

I found out he married Amy, again I didn't have a problem with this. But he acts like he wants more to do with her boys than he does with his only child. Sometimes I blame my mom for not telling him that she was pregnant, but I could only imagine how different my world would have been had he raised me. God knew what he was doing when He put me with Nanny and Pawpaw.
When my dad makes promises to me now I don't really pay attention to them. I will always forgive him and my mom for the pain they have caused me but that doesn't mean that I can forget.

When my dad makes promises I take them with a grain of salt now because promises aren't his strong suit. But as long as there's a breath in me I will pursue a relationship with my dad, but I will NEVER forget the relationship with Pawpaw. That is why he is walking me down the aisle. He has always been there for me (well him and Nanny).

By the time I graduated high school, because my dad seemed to want nothing to do with me, I tried to feel the void by dating guys (that is a different blog all together). Long story short with that. No MAN can fill the void of a father's love, no matter how much they love you. Yes Pawpaw tried his best. He is my DAD, but there is always that thought in my mind "How would I have turned out if I knew my dad when I was little?" As I was told at one tme...anyone can be a father it takes a real man to be a dad. But whether you have a father figure in your life or not it doesn't warrant what you do with your life. Don't make mistakes like I did. There are things that I'm having to cope with because I tried to fill the void of a father's love with human love when I could have turned to my religion and had AGAPE LOVE. That's the only love that is important to me. Yes I'm married and yes I love my husband with everything I am, and I love my family, but I will tell you now there is nothing that compares to the love that God has shown us and will sh

ow you if you just let Him in your heart.
I think that is all I should bore y'all with today. And don't look at this as me trying to blame my shortcomings on the absent of my father. I had a hard time writing this because even to this day I want to cry because I am still in the pursuit of a relationship with my father. I may never get it but what would be the point in not trying. If you don't keep trying you never know what will happen. I mean it hurts either way, if you try and get rejected or if you sit around and do nothing about it.

Thank God for my God, my husband, my family, and lastly but certainly not least...my friends. Three have always been there for me and my husband has been there through rough patches too, and with things from my past that pop up and I have to cope with. I will certainly blog more to fill you in (well for the most part) of things that bother me. It might actually help me and give me courage to talk to people about how I feel about things.

If you read this please know that life is never as bad as it may seem. Never do anything drastic because things can change from second to second. Just keep God first in all things you do. If He brings you to it He can get you through it. Remember what Jesus went through. Compared to that everyone's life is a walk in the park. I will end here because I have already written a book lol. Be blessed in everything y'all choose to do. God always love you.